Transitional Conversations: The YES-NO-YES Sandwich

 Enjoy Spring in Usha Shukla's Art

Spring is my favorite season! I love the freshness, the aromatic scents, and the feeling of hope in the air as the veil of darkness lifts. Our world is a place of such rich beauty, so abundant in many ways. Spring is one of those seasons that asks us to look at things anew in our own lives. 
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Usha Shukla’s Art does just that, particularly her paintings that suggest Spring and moving forward with new ideas, wiping the old slate clean in order to start again using a fresh approach. 

In her oil painting “Not Quite Summer," Usha Shukla portrays the warm lazy
days of late Spring when you can still see colorful flowers all around,
reminding viewers to slow down and cherish their friendships.

​Flowers help me think of gentle approaches and open heartedness. 

Let’s face it, I’m not always gentle, and I try to be openhearted, but sometimes I think more of myself than others. There is a fine line between taking care of myself and being there for someone else, and I do notice that sometimes I miss the mark and think a little too much about myself.
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I wish that as a young person I had been instructed in school or by family how to communicate better. I guess life is a class in itself, especially when I’m able to look back to see how I have changed through the years. You see, many years ago my sister approached me and said, “Julie, sometimes you act so abruptly. It just doesn’t feel good when you say goodbye on the phone.” 

I really felt the sting of her words, but after thinking about it, I realized I could do something about it. I find it very challenging to say in a nice way, “I have to go”, “I’m not interested” or “ I don’t agree with you.” My first impulse is to be insensitive and say jarringly, “I can’t talk, bye”, “I’m not into that” or “you’re full of BS. “

As we know, often, those strategies don’t work.😳🤪

Usha inspires us to use positive energy with ourselves and others.

The playfulness and energy of her "Picnic in the Park" resonates with a spirit of
togetherness, inspiring a sense of joy and shared experiences. This four panel
painting invites viewers to create connections that are reminders of the warmth
​of springtime gatherings.
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Befriending the Phone

I have different strategies for saying goodbye on a phone, based on who I’m talking to. Do you have friends who really have a hard time getting off the phone? Do they continue the conversation even after you say you need to go? When I am aware of certain people who don’t want to get off the phone, I always leave an extra 2 to 5 minutes to say goodbye. If I add that time in then all I have to say is “Just want to let you know I need to go in a few minutes.“ My dear friend wants to talk further and say goodbye very gradually, so she then asks many more questions and then I say I need to go again. By then, she is starting to realize that I need to leave so when I finally tell her I have to go a third time, she accepts it. 

Now, let’s say I have to leave quickly. That is a different matter entirely. I love using the “sandwich” approach. Basically what I do is take the word “no”, something that translates as not very tasty, and place it between “2 yeses” which may seem more delicious, like two pieces of freshly baked bread.

If I can remember to fit it in, I will say something like the following YES-NO -YES sandwich:

YES - I wish I could talk more with you now. 
NO- Too bad I have to go. 
YES - Can I call you later and finish up this conversation with you?

Let’s face it, as much as we love our family and friends, we don’t really want to go to every event they ask us to go to. Sometimes I have come right out and said, " thank you so much for the invitation but it’s just not really my thing." I can do that with people who could be more understanding and open to the fact that we all have different tastes.

Then, there’s another approach. Let’s say there are two events happening at the same time on the same day and one of them is just more appealing to me. I’m certainly not going to tell my friend that the other event sounds better. However, I could say something like, “I would’ve really enjoyed coming to your event. I had already made a date for that day and it’s going to be hard to change. I really hope to come another time. Please invite me the next time.” …And this is really an earnest answer. I DO want to come another time.

This painting of Usha’s invites the possibility of great connection down the road. There is always hope to find the right time to meet again and deepen a relationship.

“Yellow Sky” is inspired by the spectacular skies of the Bay Area created by the
warm afternoons and cool evenings of springtime, great times to take walks
​with those we love.

 Clashing Viewpoints

One of the hardest ones to work with, in terms of communication, is when we have very different viewpoints from someone else, either general life principles or politics. 

I don’t enjoy arguing. Yet, I’m OK with a little friction.

The first thing I assess is this: what is the boiling point of the person I’m talking to? If this  person’s words boil a minute into our conversation, then I know I need to back out pretty quickly.

Here’s an example. An old friend of mine and I haven’t talked in ages, and I find out that her political views are practically the opposite of mine. There are three approaches I would take, depending on the patience of the person I’m talking to. 

The first approach would be, I just listen for a while and don’t interrupt. I let the person spout off while I make lots of “ahas” and “hmmmms.” If the friend seems reasonable, and not too heated up, then I share my viewpoint. If I’m interrupted almost immediately with a counter viewpoint, then I may say something like “it seems like we both have different opinions. I have a suggestion. Why don’t I talk for a little while without interruption and then you do the same?” If the person is open to that then we can really hear each other’s point of view and discuss it amicably.

It’s all too true that usually this approach doesn’t work, unless we have agreed to disagree and can hold back our flickering tongues!

My second approach is about getting real with the situation. I may say “let’s consider talking about this another time, or, this discussion is getting a little heated for me, and it might be best for us to move to other topics.”

Or, lastly, I would offer the YES-NO-YES sandwich: “You have some very interesting ideas. I am so sorry, but I’m not really up for this kind of topic right now. I hope you don’t mind if we take it up again when I haven’t had such a stressful day.”

If somebody is meant to be close to me, or even a reasonably good friend, then the person will not balk at these requests, for the relationship that we have is more important than the specific things we discuss.

Having strong contrasts and lively color, Usha’s painting “First Day of Spring” reminds me how one can have the strength and wisdom to tell the truth in a kind way.

“This diptych reflects the renewal of nature during springtime. It's time to renew and
​re-energize relationships.” -Usha Shukla

How are Your Conversations Going?

Have you tried any of these approaches to transitional conversations? If so, how did they work for you? I would love to know your ideas. There are so many creative ways to take the “sting” out of a challenging discussion. I always sleep better after a tense conversation is resolved, and I hope your conversations are, at the best, fabulous, and in the least, satisfying, so you can enjoy a good night's rest!​

Special Spring Deal for a week!

​Usha Shukla’s paintings are offered as originals and ready-to-hang contemporary metal prints. Get in touch with me to get a 10% discount on all originals and metal prints in the Sustaining Arts Gallery from April 1 to April 8! Please log onto
https://SustainingArts.com